This is the beginning...

I used to have these revelation moments during my longer runs on Saturday and/or Sunday mornings, typically when I would get to the top of the slight crest up Monument Avenue to turn left on Malvern, I would be replaying some question and answer in my mind that I wanted to elaborate on for Sadie. "Why do you run Mommy?" deserved much more than "To stay healthy, sweetgirl" as I laced my shoes and dashed out of the house for 45 minutes those mornings. Was she really asking about running, I would think to myself. Or was she asking a series of deeper questions, like why I wasn't always there, why I thought that Mom-alone-time was valuable and essential even if it meant that Sadie wasn't with me, why sometimes I need a break even if I am away at the office all day and every day, why sometimes I feel incredibly guilty for taking such a break, why I resent when people say "I didn't have a child to pay someone else to raise it" and yet, why I do pay someone else to stay with Sadie much of the time.

And the questions build and crest and then come sliding in the downhill much like my run, so that my return mile plus on Grove Avenue back into the Fan is full of questions to myself about why I feel so lucky indeed most every day, why I truly believe that God gave Mark and I a gift when we were both so deserving and yet, so undeserving, why I think every day should be cherished, why sometimes I do feel like I see billboard size reminders of blessings in my life.

And thus, over and over again I have said "I need to write this all down for her" because I know that one day, I won't be there to answer her questions about how I perceived our life together. Sure we have the baby book and the first year calendar which indicates certain milestones as well as just wonderful days in the interim, but no where have I anticipated her questions and given her the longwinded answers that I hope to do in person, but I fear I won't be able to.

So this is for you Sadie Bug. One day you will read this blog and you will know that indeed I did spend such a large part of my life loving you intensely and deeply and wanting to share what a wonderful gift you were to your father and me.